just say things like, “sex”
masturbate to how you’ll quit your job.
howl. faint. get over yourself. 
admit that you’re strange and flailing and nervous
and that you slept with him even though you felt the guilt later like a baby in your stomach.

return the calls. go out, enjoy yourself. let them pay. let them linger.
not everything is love.
let them touch you without the look. maybe you don’t need the look. maybe the look gets stuck in your hair and you have to cut it out and you look strange now but they keep saying you’re pretty and you’re mad because you don’t believe them, they just want to fuck you -
just let them without holding their hand or memorizing anything.
and then just say things easy like, “leave”
and then drink more, move a little, put their hands on your hips again.

grow up and stop blaming him
wish him luck. it’s okay to remember him well.
admit that you have too many tiny things
your old self is stupid. your younger self is stupid. you’re stupid. read something. 
write a weird poem
name it this one.